My wife is Singaporean and occasionally we go back to visit her folks.
We’re usually a bit more tanned when we come back.
After one particular holiday we went to see my mum.
Mum opened the door, gave her a big hug and said, “Ooh Cathy, you look lovely. You look just like a nigger.”
Cathy didn’t know what to make of this.
She’d been told this word was a terrible insult.
And yet here was someone clearly using it as a compliment.
Cathy was listening simultaneously to the intent and the words, and they were giving her mixed messages.
In other words, cognitive dissonance.
Clearly my mum thought looking like a nigger was a good thing.
The problem was no one had told my mum that nigger was now a bad word.
Mum was born before the First World War, and it wasn’t a bad word then.
It was just slang, like Yank, or Scouse, or Frog, or Kraut, or Jap, or Jock, or Paddy, or Kiwi, or Bubble, or Cockney.
Maybe not the language you’d use at an embassy reception.
But this was east London.
Language is rougher and cruder.
To see if any offense is meant, you have to listen to the intention.
Not just the words.
Cognitive dissonance works the other way round, too.
Have you ever heard a mother in the supermarket whose child is having a tantrum?
Often she’ll be screaming, “CALM DOWN!!!” at the child, at the top of her voice.
And wondering why it isn’t working.
Apparently, only 25% of communication is in the words we actually use.
The other 75% is everything else.
The tone of voice we say the words in.
Whether we’re smiling or frowning.
Whether our body language is friendly or hostile.
But when we communicate in print, like this blog, we lose that 75%.
So it’s completely easy to misinterpret intention.
Irony for instance, doesn’t work.
Take the two words, “Oh really?”
That’s all you get on paper.
An enquiry, apparently seeking verification.
But face-to-face you get the bit in brackets.
“Oh really?” (enthusiastic)
“Oh really?” (bored)
“Oh really?” (sarcastic)
“Oh really?” (suspicious)
“Oh really?” (surprised)
My father-in-law was an old fashioned Chinaman.
When he came to London he was shocked at the way strangers addressed my mother-in-law in the street.
From shopkeepers to bus conductors.
They’d call her “Love” and “Dear” and “Darling” and “Sweetheart”.
He became sullen.
Eventually he confronted her, “Why do all these people know you well enough to call you ‘darling’? What’s going on?”
It took some time to convince him that his wife was innocent.
She didn’t know these people.
“Then why do they call you ‘darling’?” he wanted to know.
“It’s just their way,” she kept repeating.
“Look, women even call other women ‘love’.”
Eventually she persuaded him to listen to the intention instead of just the words.
And then he could see that no harm was intended by anyone.
The words didn’t signify what he thought they did.
They were actually just meant to be friendly, even respectful.
He would have to adjust to people addressing his wife in this most intimate way.
Using words no one in China would use outside the bedroom.
He would have to learn to listen to the 75%, not just the 25%.
That’s what we all need to remember.
When we have an idea for an ad and fall in love with it.
And in our imaginations, we can see how great it could be.
So we write it up as a script.
Then we give the script to the client.
And they don’t buy it.
And we’re furious that they can’t see how great it could be.
We expect them to see all the possibilities we see.
But all they see is words on paper.
In our heads we can see the other 75%, but they can’t.
John Webster always said, “I hate writing scripts because they can’t get anywhere near what’s in my head.”
But we have to write scripts.
Because no one can justify spending hundreds of thousands of pounds based solely on what’s in our head.
They need something tangible.
And the only tangible part is the 25% that can be written down.
The other 75%, the important part, can’t.
So we need to remember the limitations of words.
As Seneca said, “The word ‘dog’ never bit anyone.”
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Is there a way to attempt and communicate the other 75%? Adding audio and visual references? Even having the chance to say “it’ll look a bit like this” and playing a clip can help I think.
Dave - cracking expansion on “cognitive dissonance”. I’ve heard (…full 100%) the term used so often by advertising and planning aficionados and seldom seen a better explanation.
And to the point on scripts, is the art of well crafted story-boarding dead and gone? I always thought that the pictures really helped the words and scripts.
Hi Sully and Phil,
I guess it’s true we can’t just slot into a formula for presentations.
We have to do whatever it takes to bring it to life.
I notice, when I’m presenting, people are often listening much more to the WAY I’m saying it(right brain) than what I’m saying(left brain).
Dave
Is this now where I can say “Oh really?”
My mother-in-law went into a haberdashery a long time ago to buy a replacement roll of cotton. The cotton had been called ‘Nigger Brown’ but had been renamed and nobody had told my mother-in-law.
I remember from not that long ago in Hong Kong buying ‘Darkie’ toothpaste with an African gentlemen on the cover of the pack showing off his pearly whites with a big beaming smile. Seemed apt to me.
Absolutely John.
Peter Jackson, who directed all the Lord of The Rings films, wants to do a remake of the Dambusters.
He said his big problem is what do you call Guy Gibson’s beloved labrador: Trigger, Tigger, Digger?
Great post, and something we should always remember when looking at/selling work.
Dave: Thanks for another amazing post! Very interesting, indeed…
Always love reading your blog and it has really helped now that I’ve started studying advertising at uni.
Keep up all the BRILLIANT work! Chat soon. Bye for now.
back in high school when I was doing some theater we tried (I think it’s called) Stanislavski method of acting: try to say “Good evening” in 40 different ways.
you learn a lot about the importance of tone of voice. pretty helpful in our job.
Late in the 19th Century Dvorak, around the same time as knocking out the New World Symphony, penned a rather wonderful string quartet, in F, and called it ‘The Nigger’. As late as 1962, when I discovered the piece c/o The Record Guide, then and now the bible for collectors of serious music, the appellation was still to be seen. It lingered on for probably another twenty years before some interfering busybody, probably in the basement of Bush House, renamed it ‘The American’.
Hi Michael,
That’s a coincidence.
When I was at art school I used to read Joseph Conrad.
One story convinced me to sign up as a deckhand on a freighter.
It was called ‘The Nigger of the Narcissus.
Interesting, the one that gets me is on Holiday in Cambodia by Dead Kennedys. The context is everything here.
“Play ethnicky jazz
To parade your snazz
On your five grand stereo
Braggin’ that you know
How the niggers feel cold
And the slums got so much soul”
As a skinny British Asian kid, I lived in fear of the word ‘Paki’. Until I discovered Lenny Bruce and got my head around the fact that, as Dave says, “it’s only a word”. His (Lenny Bruce’s) idea that suppression of words is what gives them power totally blew my mind. The idea of stopping his live show and saying “nigger nigger nigger nigger nigger kike wop polka greaseball Mick” until the words lost their power was so brave. Here’s how he finished off the bit:
“The point? That the word’s suppression gives it the power, the violence, the viciousness. If President Kennedy got on television and said, ‘Tonight I’d like to introduce the niggers in my cabinet,’ and he yelled ‘niggerniggerniggerniggerniggerniggernigger’ at every nigger he saw, ‘boogeyboogeyboogeyboogeyboogey, niggerniggerniggernigger’ till nigger didn’t mean anything any more, till nigger lost its meaning — you’d never make any four-year-old nigger cry when he came home from school.\
Bloody ‘ell Ant. Seems a bit long winded to me. They’d probably think the president has got Tourette syndrome. Anyway I’m still waiting for you tell me how to get to Sesame Street!
Two of the most positive words in the English (or Scottish) vocabulary are “Aye” and “Right”
But we Scots have aknack of putting them together to create one of the most negative phrases in the world.
Dave
‘It’s only words’ - have you been listening to Boyzone or the Bee Gees?
Words are not things
Words are the names of things
http://www.jackgardner.co.uk
‘We need to remember the limitations of words’. Not many pictures in the Bible, the Koran, the Communist Manifesto and Mein Kampf, but they appear to have moved a lot of people.
I don’t know what age Ant Melder is but I’m assuming a lot
younger than me. It’s just heartening to note that one of the
two greatest philosophers of the 20th century is still remembered.
The other half? Richard Pryor, of course.
Ciaran
http://ex-blank-page.blogspot.com/2009/09/in-reply-to-daves-great-posts-78.html
Captcha: special overture
(nice try, but I only added the song at the end of the post)
I’m assuming you mean Lenny Bruce not JFK, Ciaran? By the way what part of the emerald isle do you originate from? I see ‘the greatest’ is from the banner county (me too): http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/boxing/1810535.stm
Jack
Here’s one for you, “WTF?!”.
I’m in my mid-30s, Ciaran. How about you?
By the way, surely Ali deserves “greatest philosopher of the 20th century” status, too?
Well that and greatest poet of the 20th century.
brilliant post, dave.
you just helped me explain myself to the client.
John,
Do you mean, ‘What the fuck?’ If so why don’t you say so? I’m sure Dave wouldn’t mind. But I think my thoughtful reference is clear. Dave quoted, “The word ‘dog’ never bit anyone.” My book is Called, ‘Words are not things.’ Get it? It’s not difficult. Incidentally Dave has said in this blog that Words are not things is one of his favourite books so thought it might be helpful to mention it.
Ant
Ali needs a new moniker. Louiville Lip doesn’t cut the mustard no more seeing as he is from County Clare in Ireland! How about Banner County Braggadocio?
Jack
I’m surprised you didn’t put the price and the publisher on the last comment.
My example was double-edged. It backs-up what Dave is saying (25%, 75%) plus I was giving you another phrase to flog. No offence was implied or is it inferred I can never tell? By the way don’t you think “WTF?!” would be more down with the kids?
John. The publisher is Foulsham. The price £4.99. Offence was implied and inferred. How else can you read, ‘I’m surprised you didn’t put the price and the publisher on the last comment.’ As to ‘WTF’ being more ‘down with the kids.’ I would caution against middle aged men trying to be ‘down with the kids,’ in the same way as I would caution against dancing at weddings, using the word cool and calling young people ‘kids.’ Roger Daltrey can get away with it, we can’t. I hope this is helpful.
Point of clarification Jack.
I bought your book ‘Words Are Not Things’ and I’ve quoted from it.
But I didn’t say it “was one of my favourite books”.
Let’s have truth in advertising.
My father’s from China.
When I was a kid, he and my uncles (not from China) used to irritate me a lot.
They would call me “stupid and silly” - the reverse of the English way of referring to everyone as “love” and “darling”.
One day, I asked, as only a child could, “why do you all call me silly?”
Apparently, among some, calling someone is a sign of affection.
And if Dave had been around with this blog many years ago, I would have caught the 75% instead of the 25.
Still, it shows a great contrast between the Chinese and English way of doing things.
Jack
I hope you took a chill pill last night and are feeling much more relaxed this crisp autumn day? I will reiterate no offence was meant regards your communication skills.
As for being ‘down with the kids’ I was just using the colloquial. It’s only words after all.
I had to explain to my late (Kyrgyz) wife that when Englishmen of a certain age and class appear to call each other names, mock each other, and so on, in fact what they are doing is showing that they are friendly enough and comfortable enough with each other to say things that would be considered the height of rudeness at other times. The Russians show this by using the patronymic (the name you share with your father), which of course seems overly formal to us. All sorts to make a world…
Hi Tom,
I know exactly what you mean.
Ashley Cole said that one of the reasons he wanted to leave Arsenal for Chelsea was the lack of ‘banter’ in the dressing room.
In other words, because most of the footballers were French, there was none of the usual piss-taking amongst the players and he felt this harmed team spirit.
Dave
A ‘music hall’ type joke.
Think Flanagan and Allen.
“Did you know David O’Leary played 18yrs for the Arsenal?
“Oh, Really?”
No, O’Leary!”
…suffice to say you have to add in “I say, I say, I say” to the opening line of the joke for the full effect.
John.
They might be only words but so are prostitute, internet, Prozac, fear, lorry, God, punishment, lick, fear, Gloucester, silly, road, fear, please, anguish, fear, but look at the trouble these words have caused. Only one thing is for certain with words and that is that Words…
But thank you for your apology anyway. It is accepted.
Jack
The last…
John
…is scrimshaw.
Jack
…and I always thought it was End.
John
…it is now.
Jack
Touché.
0 o
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Dave -
In Chip and Dan Heath’s book, “Made to Stick (Why some ideas survive and others die)” they discuss the phenomenon of Tapping versus Listening, which is identical to your 75/25 cognition issue.
Sit down with someone. Now, hear a song in your head. Then tap out the song on the table–tap out the rhythm. See if the other person can guess the song in your head. Chances are they can’t, because they don’t have enough context.
The tapper is cursed with too much knowledge. The listener with not enough.
Thank you for continuing to write such great posts.
- Tim
Thanks Tim,
I like the observation and I’m going to get the book of Amazon.