Suppose you haven’t won an award.
Or you aren’t getting on well at work.
You aren’t getting the briefs you want.
Or you’ve just lost your job.
Or you’ve been trying for ages and you can’t get another job.
Or you just lost a pitch.
Or you just lost a client.
Whatever.
You’re feeling depressed because it feels like failure.
You didn’t get the result you wanted.
But the issue isn’t really did you win or lose.
The issue is did you do absolutely everything that you possibly could?
Or did you hold something back?
Were you worried about upsetting someone?
Were you frightened of being embarrassed?
Did you let someone talk you out of doing it?
Or did you give it absolutely, positively everything you possibly could.
And then some more.
If you did all that, and you still failed, then you have nothing to reproach yourself for.
You can be satisfied that you did everything possible.
There was nothing else you could do.
But if you didn’t do everything you possibly could.
If you’re now thinking what else you could have done.
If you held something back, that’s regret.
You’re regretting what you could have done, and didn’t.
And that’s when depression sets in.
They have an expression in Brooklyn for this.
They say, “Yeah, yeah: coulda, woulda, shoulda.”
In other words, when someone is telling you what went wrong and why.
Telling you about what they could have done.
What they would have done.
What they should have done.
But, and this is the reason they’re talking about it in the first place, it all adds up to the same thing.
They didn’t do it.
And now it’s too late.
Could you have worked later on the pitch?
Would it have been better if you’d done more work while you had the chance?
Should you have called the client yourself and discussed your ad instead of leaving it to the account man?
Could you have asked traffic for more briefs?
Would it have made sense to put your book together earlier?
Should you have taken more risks in your ads instead of always playing safe?
“Yeah, yeah: coulda, woulda, shoulda.”
I think that should be everyone’s greatest fear.
Not whether we won or lost.
Not whether we got the result we wanted.
But did we go beyond what was reasonable to get it?
Did we give it everything possible?
Did we go so far, put in so much effort, that all our friends said we were working too hard?
Because when our friends and family say we’re working too hard, that’s when we know we’re working at just about the right level.
They’re over the pub, or watching TV.
And they’re telling us that we’re working too hard.
That we should be more like them.
Over the pub or watching TV.
Take a look and decide for yourself.
George Bernard Shaw said, “I want to be totally used up when I die.
I don’t want them to bury any unused parts.”
I think that’s an ambition that’s a lot bigger than just winning or losing.
RSS Feed
Twitter
Email
Wished you were looking for people, Dave.
I agree with what you say.
Just that sometimes, whether it’s a pitch or a job, some people get frightened off.
It’s extremely painful to lose a pitch/job because the client/future boss “found you too aggressive. We’re just a simple company and we don’t want people to rock the boat.”
My favourite primary school teacher, was a well-travelled, erudite and eccentric man. He must have been 70 years old at the time. Mr Iggulden, he told us that the worst two words ever uttered are “If only” and if you could go your life without saying those you’d have lived a happy life.
“EVERYBODY” should be an adjective:
http://ex-blank-page.blogspot.com/2009/09/in-reply-to-daves-great-posts-81.html
I once read a question: if you weren’t afraid, what would you do?
or create my personal mantra: what will I remember when I’m 75?
great saying to live by …have to disagree with the sentiment that the greatest fear is not doing all you can and losing.
I think the most depressing thing IS doing everything you possibly can and STILL losing. Having to accept that you’re just not good enough.
“Having to accept that you’re just not good enough.”
Having watched enough footy over the years I can tell you for certain that sometimes the best team does not win. Luck plays a massive part too. Some say ‘the harder you work the luckier you get’. Well that can be true…sometimes. Basically no matter what you do there is no definites ‘cept death and taxes.
But if you do that in one area of your life, another area has to be compromised. If someone wants the greatest career vs being an attendant parent, the two might not match up with each other.
Can something in that career be so important that it’s worth missing some of the best moments of a kid’s life? Or making a marriage as good as it can be?
Maybe…if that’s the way someone wants to play it.
Ben,
I absolutely agree, it’s the same question with every aspect of our life.
And it will be the same question on our deathbed.
“Because when our friends and family say we’re working too hard, that’s when we know we’re working at just about the right level.”
Dave I really love the blog. I’ve found a hell of a lot of inspiration and guidance in it, all in your brilliant writing style.
But that line about working too hard is probably the most disagreeable thing I’ve read here. Maybe it’s because, from the title of the post, I thought this was going to be about stepping outside your job and doing the extracurricular things in your life.
Life and work is a balancing act. And when you finally start doing amazing work, and winning all the awards, and your family has fallen apart and your friends hardly know you, you’ll just have a different set of “coulda, shoulda, woulda”.
on losing. Serbs have an expression: “everything you really really really lose in your life is your hair and teeth”.
Nic,
I probably had a different ‘friends and family’ in mind than you.
I was thinking of younger guys starting out, so: Mum and Dad, Uncles and Aunts, and your mates.
But it still applies.
You have to ask yourself about everything in your life (work in this case): after it’s all over what will I wish I’d done.
I ask myself that about work.
But I also asked myself that about my children when they were young; when they’ve grown up and left home: what will I wish I’d done.
And about my parents when they were alive.
You have to come up with your own answer, but you do have to ask yourself that question before it’s too late.
I’m not making a rule about how to live, just saying make sure you’re perfectly aware of the choices you’re making.
And I don’t think that’s at all inconsistent with the benefits of extra-curricular activities.
Click here for instance:
http://community.brandrepublic.com/blogs/dtb/default.aspx
Combine this with Alex Bogusky’s post on defining success and you have what should be a blueprint for being happy and fulfilled in your work.
Mainly that is just being scared of rejection.
I don’t really think there is just one answer about sacrifices or choices we make, there will always be small bitterness and “if only..” aftertaste when gaining success at work or in family life without fulfillment of both.
“Should have gone to Specsavers.”
Anca’s replies always make my day.
Comedy gold
if my mind was contaminated, I just counldn’t be patient and be calm and make thorough analysis of myself and find my way out.
Thanks for writing this. It spoke deep down.
I did all I could, and was told I worked too hard… but failed.
It does feel like failure… and there is self-reproach…
But at least today I know someone understands…
So, for today at least… that’s all I need.
Thank you.